Piper-Clyborn 2Piper Clyborn (March 18, 2012)

Hi Everyone…

This is such an exciting start to the conversation! I have appreciated reading everyone’s responses so far and am gaining so many ideas from them! Thank you. My hope is growing.

Sarah….my heart warmed to see your face and name on the screen. You are working in the field of addiction? Its validating to hear you have a hard time with the discourse and the field as well. What do find most difficult right now? There is so much I find that I am learning. But I seem to have this struggle inside myself that I am constantly trying to make sense of.  It has to do with this pull to tough love and not wanting to go there at the same time. I want to engage in a collaborative relationship with people and honor whatever they are telling me as truth, but then when working with lying and addiction, I don’t know what to believe sometimes and then I wonder, am I just participating in the growth of the problem by honoring what people tell me and not calling “bullshit” on them like so many of my colleagues do? I know there is another way to work….that there is a way to keep people accountable, but also work from a collaborative and respectful place, but I haven’t  found what that looks like yet. Any ideas?
I have been looking into this traditional idea in Alonon around “detachment with love.” Have you heard of it? I’m leading a family group of those affected by addiction and a lot of the parents have found it really helpful. Maybe you would like it?  At the same time, all the traditional information around this stuff completely puts the problem and the person together…and bothers me!

Jo……I appreciate that story of externalizing “irresponsibility.” May I borrow this? I think the greatest thing I connected with after reading your story and when Marie so graciously wrote about externalizing heroin and crack from her relationship with her daughters, was that I remembered how so very important separating the person from the problem is! I have really tried to externalize with people I consult and be playful with the conversation, but I find people don’t really want to go there.. When I ask them, what would you like to name this problem, I usually get very blank stares and it never seems to get taken up! I do use relational language making (Johnella’s work) and people often will take this up without even really knowing it, but if the conversation ever takes on an imaginary element I find there are not very many takers.
I have two ideas about this. My first idea is that similar to eating problems, addiction too intertwines itself so much with the identity of a person that just separating oneself from the problem can be the largest mountain to climb? That there may be resistance to externalization because the problem has sunk its claws so well in the person? My other thought is that when people are still actively using, the ability for one to  engage in a lot of abstract thinking might be limited? What do other think of this? Do others ever run into problems with externalizing?

I am taking so much hope from these stories and I feel more confident putting myself out on a limb and trying to externalize with people, even if the risk is people may not connect with it for some time.  Because maybe if I can really separate the person from the problem as well, I can be tough with the problem but have love for the person?

Jo-Viljoen 2Jo Viljoen, March 19, 2012

Hi everyone,
I agree wholeheartedly with you, be tough on the problem but love the person!

In group we were discussing the universal nature of problems, how they fol ow the same old same old strategy all over the world, whereas people are created and creative, have the gifts of choice and humour, and the ability to take control of their lives.

Love, Jo

Margaret Wells: March 19, 2012

Hi!  Someone spoke with me about the idea that the whole family gets busy with the Addictive Behaviour (in some ways becomes addicted to dancing with the client who has the relationship with the substance).  I found it helpful to consider this and the dance the family does with addiction.  I often think of it as a progressive dance where each family member takes turn dancing with the addictive behaviour.  Does this make sense?  I wonder if this helps with externalisation..Margaret

Jo-Viljoen 2Jo, March 19, 2012

Hi Margaret
I love that idea, almost as if the whole family starts dancing to Addiction’s tune?  Dancing the Addiction dance?  Remember the Macarena?  We were all doing it! 🙂 The Macarena, I mean!

I think I will ask the group how that might work for them in tomorrows session.  Thanks!
—
Just a thought on families dancing to the tune of Addiction as a metaphor. 🙂  one young man said in his family they are not dancing, the are part of a marching band:  he says his mom conducts the music, his father plays the drums, his sister blows the whistle on him and he feels like the melody;  without which there would be no marching band to begin with.

Regards
Jo