Peggy: November 23, 2010
Thursday is the Thanksgiving holiday in the USA. It is a time for getting together with family and friends, and for pausing to express gratitude for that which often goes unnoticed. Before sharing a story, I want to say how grateful I am for this study group. For me, it is a place where I feel a sense of belonging, discovery and possibility.
A woman who consults with me ended our session yesterday with a story that she has given me permission to share with you.
This holiday season is a tough time for “Alice,” a woman in her 40s who is in a time of transition. Until this year, Alice lived for many years with her husband, Brian, and two sons “off the grid” much of the time in a very rustic cabin in the Vermont woods. Separated from her husband (at his choice) for about a year, Alice is struggling with a number of changes in her life. Money is very tight. Alice has several part time jobs, and has begun to vision future possibilities. She now lives in a modest apartment in the small town of Middlebury with her teenage son who is home schooled. Recently, Alice’s estranged husband told her that he does not want to get back together again. Her mother has been ill, and was admitted to the hospital last week with congestive heart failure. Alice is also a gifted pianist – she plays without reading music, and to my ear, sounds like an angel.
From the moment of meeting Alice, I became aware of her gentle spirit and kindness. Throughout all of these challenging times, she acts thoughtfully and with care. Alice is used to taking care of others, and it is new for her to think about herself. From the stories she has told me about her family of origin, I can see that Alice was raised in a tradition of kindness, humility, aspiration to be a “good Christian,” and to be of service to others. I am often inspired by my experiences of Alice – and our work together is a gift for me.
One of Alice’s part time jobs is in a local gift shop. Alice told me a moving story about an encounter with a customer a few days ago. This woman was someone new to town who engaged Alice in conversation for some time, and asked many questions about this town. I am sure Alice was very helpful and kind in these exchanges. At one point, the customer asked Alice if she would model a beautiful necklace that she was considering buying. She also asked Alice questions about the town and the people who live here. Alice responded (not exactly verbatim) “I think it is a friendly town. However, I might not be in the best position to speak since I am personally going through a difficult time of transition, separated from my husband.” Alice then worried that she might have shared too much of her story with this stranger. Oh well. It was what it was.
About an hour later, the woman returned. She asked Alice if she could buy her the necklace. Alice said that was so kind but it really wasn’t necessary, and especially since it is an expensive necklace. The woman said “Please. I remember the 3 years when I went through a divorce as a very difficult time of my life. Besides, I have been very fortunate with finances in my life. Please let me buy this for you.”
When Alice gave me permission to share this story with you, she wrote:
Of course you can share the story with your online group. I don’t mind at all. I would love to see what you write about it and any responses.
One of my favorite moments of this singular experience was when she said to me, “When you wear it, just know that you are beautiful”. I thought she was going to say to remember her or to remember that someone cared, but she completely removed herself from the equation. What a selfless act. I am still processing it.
Could I do that for someone? I don’t know what it’s like to have $100 to do just anything with. But I hope I would. I didn’t need a necklace, but I needed to matter, to be validated as a struggling person, and she must have recognized that somehow.
I was so moved by Alice’s story – I want to share it (and her) with you. It seems to me to be the perfect Thanksgiving story.
With gratitude for the mysterious “gifting” in all of our lives –
Peggy
Sarah: November 24, 2010
Thank you Peggy! I love this story. it made me think about my own time of such pain and transition in my life and how wonderful that would have felt. I loved how Alice noticed that the woman did not want this for herself but really wanted it for Alice – for her to feel beautiful and as Alice said – to matter. What a perfect gift! I am thankful for this for me as it makes me remember that hard time in my life but also the people during that time who supported me in various ways and reminded me that I mattered despite how ungrounded I felt at times. You were one of those people Peggy- thanks for that. I have a necklace form that time in my life that I call my joy/pain necklace as I got in on a beautiful, healing outing with a loving friend but it was a day I was really struggling. I think I will wear tomorrow in honour of Alice and me.
I was wondering if I could share this story further than the study group? i am doing a little narrative presentation to a class of social work students tomorrow at the college where I am working and I am talking about sharing and witnessing practices. could I read this story and then bring back to Alice the responses?
Does that make sense? Do you think it would be okay?
it just seems like such a beautiful story of sharing on many levels – the woman to Alice, Alice to you, you to us, us to Alice, Alice to me, me to myself…….
I know that there is not really time to ask Alice but what do you think Peggy?
Happy Thanksgiving,
Sarah
Peggy: November 24, 2010
Sarah, I think Alice would be happy for you to share her story with others. And she would love to hear any reflections that emerge from this sharing. Alice’s encounter with and the stranger is “a teaching story” for all of us. There can such beautiful ripple effects from practices that combine both an ethic of confidentiality and an “ethic of circulation.”
I often marveled how we can encounter “guardian angels” who appear out of nowhere when going through tough times. Maybe this is what those from a Christian religious tradition might call an encounter with “the good Samaritan?” Or would this be “Karma” in a Buddhist tradition? An atheist also stands at times in awe of mystery of life and the kindness of strangers.
Sarah, I’m so glad I was able to be one of the people there for you when you were going through your own time of transition. Do you think sharing this experience (from two different angles) furthers strengthens our bond for life?… It does for me. If a stranger can make such an impact, imagine what friends can do for each other. In a lifetime, there lots of opportunities for taking turns, and for gifting each other.
Have a great class, Sarah! Peggy
Thanks Peggy!
I do agree that it strengthens our bond. I am so glad we are connected in many ways – across time and stories and the internet!
I will get back to you later after the class.
Sarah
Sarah: November 25, 2010
Dear Alice and Peggy,
I read the letter that Peggy wrote about Alice’s story to a class of about 15 social work students today. I am so glad I shared the story as the students were very touched and we had some really lovely reflections. The theme of the class today was on taking it back practices and circulating stories so this story of sharing fit right in. We had a wonderful discussion about giving and about receiving.
Here are some of the reflections from the class:
“What touched me was your inner kindness towards others. You spend your life pleasing others and now you realize it is your time to take care of yourself. I am sure the necklace is a good symbol that presents who you are – “beautiful”
Your value is that “you are beautiful” Thank you for sharing your story. You are not alone.”
“Alice’s reaction to the gift tells me that Alice really values connections. I also see her intrinsic value being the focus when she wears the necklace- this gift validates to herself that she is a person of worth. This really touches me as this will be my first Christmas without my mother – who has always believed in my worth, my intrinsic value as a person. This story reminds me of how important it is to teach my children to recognize their value.”
“I was touched by the generosity. I saw Alice as blossoming in her life and the generosity helping to nourish that. I connected that to my own gradual awakening of my importance. I now, today, feel more in touch with the importance of giving and the importance of receiving. It can be hard to receive but what a gift Alice gave the woman by being able to accept. I wonder how I can accept more.”
“I really connected to Alice’s story of struggling and wanting to matter. I have a similar story. I loved hearing about the necklace and the words of the woman about her remembering she is beautiful. This helped me feel my inner beauty, my own sense of mattering. Thank you. This story will stay with me.”
“I thought about how many times I think of doing something like that, not as expensive but an act of kindness. I think of doing it but I don’t as I just think about it. I hope I can start to do it more and not worry about being embarrassed or uncomfortable. Alice also worried that she said too much but she obviously touched the woman and her own story. I should find ways to connect more with all the people around me not just friends and family but everyone. We all have struggles and gifts to share.”
Happy Thanksgiving to you. I am very thankful for your contribution to my teaching today. I felt warmed by your story and happy to have you with me.
Sarah
Peggy: November 25, 2010
Wow, Sarah. What a Thanksgiving delight! I have sent your words onto Alice. I am sure it will mean a lot to her. I’m now in Northampton, Massachusetts with my extended family for Thanksgiving. I’m eager to share some of Alice’s responses with you. These are from even before you shared the students’ reflections with us.
Upon hearing about your interest in her story, Alice wrote:
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I have been sitting here with what i think is the flu (came down with it on Monday), realizing that i might spend Thanksgiving day all alone in bed, and trying to be ok with that and then I got your email. and I feel so much better. Thanks for thinking to include me in the responses. It means a lot to me to see how this unfolds – to watch the interactions happen. I am imagining this story as the necklace itself and with each new telling, another bead is added. It may be a very long necklace before long.
Alice also sent me this message (even before reading about your experience sharing her story)
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Would it be easy to give a message to Sarah from me? Or ok? I’d just like to say thank you to her for her words and that I will wear my necklace tomorrow and think of her,too.
Thank you, Sarah! I know we’ll be in touch!
Peggy
Sonja: November 27, 2011
Hi everyone – these posts were made at this time last year – I love how we travel through time around this forum. Thanks for sharing these beautiful stories – it has got me thinking more about the giofts we can give forward through the telling and re-telling of generous stories…
luv
Sonja
April 11, 2012
Hi Peggy & Sarah & Everyone in the forum, I would like to say Hello Again to the Forum, after some break. I am hoping to remake and retell a story of commitment to this forum. The business and craziness of life got on top of my self recently so I am encouraged by creating a stronger sense of self by diving right back into the forum – but this time taking some slow and leisurely laps around it. This would be a gift waiting for me and I will be excited to re-gift it to other newer participants in the forum by asking: how goes your swimming, paddling or just a lovely wade around the forum?
Luv
Sonja (from Adelaide)
Peggy: April 6, 2012
Sonja! This is a quick note to a hearty “welcome back!’ We have missed you. I love to think that diving back into this forum will be a good way to further strengthen a sense of self. Take your time. It’s simply a joy to see your back with us, and to know you are taking some slow and leisurely laps. And yes, when the time is right, it will be a gift for us to have you join us with reflections on the swimming, paddling or just a lovely wade around” our forum.
Welcome back! Peggy
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