Reading about postmodernism, poststructrualist inquiry, and distinctions between structural and non-structural approaches:
– Which ideas stand out as most important to you?
– Is there relevance of these ideas to your work?
– Can you illustrate with a story?
Whew! I got so much out of reading Michael White’s workshop notes. What a treasure trove. I’ve downloaded it to return to a few more times, as it’s a lot to digest.
One thing that particularly stands out to me right at this moment is that I didn’t properly understand, until reading this, what ‘decentred and influential’ means (although I knew the phrase).
I haven’t had a chance to try and put it into practice in my work yet (although I think I will soon), but over the last couple of days I’ve noticed it being useful in chats with my two children. They both have a bit going on right now that they’ve wanted to talk through with me, and I’m now conscious of trying not to centre my own values, unless they specifically ask me for that.
It’s amazing how ingrained in us (in me anyway!) it is to feel like the right and proper way, as a parent, to talk with your children about their problems, is to be an advisor. But I can see that most of the time this really isn’t what my kids want in these conversations. They know my views on most things from living with me their whole lives long. The last thing they want or need is more of MY views. This is about them discovering and expressing their own.
One more thing to add to that: I can see it’s also much more subtle than just not giving advice unless asked. Just yesterday my daughter told me something she was really pleased about, and I thought I was doing the right thing by paraphrasing what I thought I heard back to her. I realised too late that I’d brought in far too much of my own view in that paraphrasing. I’d somehow centred myself in it. And it was clear that she was deflated by my doing that. Luckily she’s quite self-aware and told me outright that that’s what I’d done, and then we talked about it, and I apologised, and I think I have a clearer understanding now of how easy it is to centre yourself without realising!
Thank you Joanna for engaging with these materials, and sharing your reflections.Your words remind me of the importance to continually remind myself//realign to “ask don’t tell” – as therapist, teacher parent, grandparent. As you share in your story about your conversation with your daughter:it’s not about getting it right, rather about building relationships/relational stance wherein we can learn together. I’m glad to know you are out there!
Since my introductions to NP , I’ve become so concious of my advice giving , opinion stating obsession! With my kids its always about me teling them. with clients too, at times I go into “ I think” …. this is a practice,
Thank you Mansi for persevering through our recent technical woes to take the course~! I have been practicing for more DECADES than I’d like to admit…and still I find it useful to remember to beware of the advise posture. I love what Michael W wrote about therapeutic posture- staying in the decentered yet influential quadrant. In my book published in 2008, I devoted a chapter to “Ask don’t tell.” And yes…as a mom (and now grandmom) and daughter-to-a-now-elderly mom too. Everyone has insider knowledge to draw from! We just have to remember to ask. Peggy